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You know you live in California when...

I'd forgotten how often we saw Magritte

mucha mosaic

You know you live in California when...

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1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings. None are visible when s/he's clothed.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. You can't remember.....is pot illegal?
10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears
11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast
12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and chaps with a leather codpiece. You don't even notice.
14. The guy at Starbucks at 8:30 AM, wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses? The guy who looks like George Clooney? IS George Clooney.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
17. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
18. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2003."
19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????
23. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
24. The concept of casserole with wasabi in it is not confusing to you.

If other options come to mind, please don't hesitate to post them in comments. ;)

Not sure what's really UP with that, but for some reason all I've wanted to post to my livejournal for a good long while is essentially comedy. And I seem to be pretty chipper.

This is a nice change, isn't it, kids?
  • Nothing wrong with chipper. Chipper is good (^.^)v
  • Isn't "crotch less chaps" [sic] an oxymoron? Aren't all chaps just leggings without any material over the Area?
    • I thought I'd caught all the bad diction mistakes from this list when I copied it over. Thank you!
  • "Smile and the world smiles with ya!"

    Max Bialystock - "The Producers, 1968"
    • Springtime for Hitler and Germany, winter for Poland and France...
    • "don't be stupid be a smartie/ Come and join the Nazi party."

      I still have to make the housemate watch the whole film.
      • WHAT?!!?!?! She still hasn't seen it yet?

        Get some rope! I'm going to tie her down and make her watch it!
      • springtime for hitler and germany, goose step's the new step today!
      • Ulla: Go ... to ... work!

        "'Baby'? Vhat is ziss 'baby'? Ze Fuehrer hass never said 'baby'!"

        - Franz Liebkind
      • (shrike waves fingers at her neighbor)

        neither have i...
    • Nein, zat is vhy zhey call him Rolf.
      • Geben Sie mir einen Bruch, ich sind nicht fließend auf Deutsch. :)
        • Vielleicht du wolltest "Verschon mich!" sagen? Ich will kein Freund des colubra reissen. :-)
          • Die Wahrheit ist die einzigen Fremdsprachen, die ich bin innen französisch und spanisch fließend bin. Meine schlechte deutsche Linguistik werden mit Babelfish verursacht. :)
  • 4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

    ...you have a child?

    16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

    ...you have a Mary Kay rep????

    Oh, my little world...

    (yes, I know. Just humor. I'm still trying to picture you in Mary Kay with a kid, and terribly amused.)

  • Chipper is good.

    I add a real-life happened-to-me:

    An out-of-town guest asks about ice conditions and you tell them the bartenders water the drinks.
  • 25. Your boss takes you to get pierced.
    26. You have a discussion with your boss's boss about where to find the best showing of RHPS is.
    27. You walk into an upscale resturant and see a guy with liberty spikes sitting next to a guy in an armani.
    28. There are more rainbow flags that fly in the city that American.
    29. You can tell the difference between the different pride stickers at a glance and they are the most common bumper sticker you see.
    30. Street fairs include public sex.
    31. There's buffalo in the park, not too far from the Japanese Tea Gardens.
    32. Other drivers get very upset at you if you are doing less that 70 on the freeway.
    • 32. Other drivers get very upset at you if you are doing less that 70 on the freeway.

      ...in the slow lane in the pouring rain as they zoom by with their headlights off.
    • 33.

      Suburban women ask you (you being a male) what hair dye do you use and if you can recommend a stylist, if you have one.
    • Once, I can ignore as an error/typo. Twice, in two different sentence structures, and I just have to question:

      "more rainbow flags ... in the city that American"

      "doing less that 70"

      Why is using "that" in place of "than" so common on the Internet? I just don't get it. Homonym confusion, sure (their/there/they're, etc.). Spelling and punctuation errors, ok: English is full of non-phonetic words and grammar rule exceptions ("it's" is never used as a possessive, etc.).

      (Not to single you out, I just find it hard to grasp why I keep seeing this everywhere, and perhaps you might have some insight.)

      -= Lunatic
  • - you go to a book signing with some friends. one of them, your husband's girlfriend, asks the author to sign something for her husband, who is a "really big fan." of the author's comic books.

    (hmmm, that couldn't be autobigraphical, could it...?)

    - or, you're asked how you and a friend met, and you reply, "oh, he's my girlfriend's boyfriend's brother."

  • You know you live in the Bay Area when...

    You make $100,000 a year, yet still can't find a place to live.
    Your commute time is 45 minutes and you live 8 miles away from work.
    Stop asking how much things cost but, ask "How long will it take?"
    Two-thirds of the people you know are from Boston or New York, but you are living in PST.
    Know vast differences between Thai, Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese, Cantonese, and Korean food.
    Your home computer contains mostly hardware/software that is not on the consumer market yet.
    Go to "The City" on weekends but don't live there because you like your car.
    Think that "I'm going to Fry's" is an acceptable excuse to leave the office for a while, and your boss does too.
    Lost your alarm clock. You'll get to work when you get there.
    Go to an industrial-heavy-metal bar and see two guys get into a fight over what flavor of UNIX is better.
    Own more than 10 articles of clothing that have hardware/software companies printed on them. Bonus for embroidered stuff.
    You know where Woz Way, Resistor Ave, and Floppy Dr. are located.
    You know who Woz is.
    You know 280 North runs West, and 680 North runs East.
    Even though Microsoft employs quite a few programmers in the Bay Area, they only work on Powerpoint, and the company is still the embodiment of Satan. (Heh.)
    Even if their stock IS worth more than yours. (Heh...)
    You see a billboard that says "FGPA2ASIC" and aren't fazed .
    When you need the updated Diamond Monster 3D drivers, you just walk across the street.
    You have more bandwidth in your apartment or condo than most major universities.
    You scan yardsales for back issues of "Dr. Dobbs."
    Your favorite computer reseller speaks only Cantonese.
    Your workplace vending machines dispense "100% natural twig-bars" right next to Jolt Cola and Instant Espresso mix.
    No one brings radios into work - they just use RealAudio and listen to "thedj.com", "rebelradio.com", or other out of state stations.

    • Re: You know you live in the Bay Area when...

      Thai, Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese, Cantonese, and Korean

      You can recognize what type of resturant it is because you can tell the difference between the different characters.
      • Re: You know you live in the Bay Area when...

        I went to a showing of "Fellowship of the Ring" and the XP commercial played.

        People stated booing, then, it began..

        "OS X!"
        "Yeah, Red Hat!"
        "Red Hat's for Pussies!"
        "At least it doesnt' take me 5 hours to install something new!"
        "Screw all of you, Debain's solid"
        "Fuck that! BSD's secure!"
        "You obviously must have no life!"

        Yup. I live in San Fran-fucking-cisco.
    • Re: You know you live in the Bay Area when...

      You know where Woz Way, Resistor Ave, and Floppy Dr. are located.

      You know that Resistor Ave, and Floppy Dr. aren't real streets, and they were just added to make the joke about "Woz Way" more amusing.

      You know who Woz is.

      You're met Woz.


      - You know more than a dozen former millionaires... on paper.
      - They're all under 30.
      - You were one of them.

      - The one employee of your company who owns a car gets to write it off completely as a business expense beauce it's the only way your company can move their servers from San Francisco down to the colo (with a side trip to Fry's).

      - You immediately get that the (Peace symbol) (Heart) (Penguin) advertising graffittied on the sidewalks of your neighborhood means "Peace, Love, Linux" and chuckle at how much shit IBM is going to be in with the city.

      - Internet cafes are few and far between: Why pay for a cafe's terminal when you know where all the WiFi hotspots are and you can just pull out your 802.11-enabled laptop?

      - Your broadband connection enters your home in the living room--after all, that's where all the computers are.


      In the Bay Area, everyone gets to spend time as a current or former employee at Hewlett Packard, Apple, Sun, Cisco, Silicon Graphics, Netscape, Adobe, or one of their spinoffs or otherwise related companies (e.g. General Magic, WebTV, Palm, HandSpring, Claris, NeXT, Be--and that's just from Apple, which itself could be considered a kind of spinoff from HP, along with SGI).

      -= Lunatic
  • This list is more or less "you know you live in the bay area" rather than California. Just ask my parents living in San Diego. Not to mention all them folks in them there country parts out east.
    • As someone from there (them folks in them there country parts out east), some of this is still true. There are other location-specific stuff like:

      You can walk to the town plaza, walk up to about anyone, ask where to buy weed, and pick it up for $45 an 8th. Good stuff, too.
      You have friends who make a living as middle-men in pot dealing.
      The cops will confiscate pot and parephenalia (can't spell), but don't really bust you for having it (unless you're smoking it in the open).
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