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If you ever work in an HR department in your life, REMEMBER THIS ENTRY.

I'd forgotten how often we saw Magritte

mucha mosaic

If you ever work in an HR department in your life, REMEMBER THIS ENTRY.

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mucha mosaic
There are a few rules that may help you.
No, there are TINY rules that may help you.
No, there's A rule that may help you.

I will call on Samuel L. Jackson's landmark performance in the role of Jules Winnfeld:

ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKAH, DO. YOU. SPEAK IT?
Examples of things NOT TO DO TO YOUR FELLOW MAN follow.

Never. Never ever ever. ask him to 'call out commitments', when what you mean is 'state your goals'.

Here is another thing not to do to him. Do not tell him to 'define success measures and metrics to evaluate the realization of your commitments'. Tell him 'Tell me how you're going to know how far you've gotten with accomplishing this goal'.

Another thing: do not replace your incoherent language with MORE incoherent language.

Another thing: just fucking nip off and blow your brains out before actually working in HR. if you're working in HR? Get out, or just fucking kill yourself and do the entire species a favor. You're only there to overcomplicate the English language, as far as I can tell. Samuel Pepys looks at you from his grave, and weeps. If you are not feeling generous towards your fellow man and decide to stay alive and work in HR, that of course is your decision. If you find that you might use this statement in so doing, I'd be flattered:
'I am really hating this new form, and I am loathing the training for it. If you could perhaps funnel such data upwards through your supervisor to someone who might actually be able to bitchslap our documentation team into composing in English, I'd really feel a great debt to you, and probably be further incented to accomplish greater and greater leveraging of differently-utilized assets.'
  • Never. Never ever ever. ask him to 'call out commitments', when what you mean is 'state your goals'.

    Unless what he means is he wants to see a bland white Irish R&B band... which still deserves some modicum of disdain.
  • I thought his name was Pip.

    I always wonder if there is some Skull N' Bones society that comes up with that shit.
  • 'differently-utilized assets'

    I must use that phrase in at least one official email today. Yes.
  • Hello, colubra. What's happening? We need to talk about your TPS reports.

    Yeahhhh... uh, did you get that memo?

    Yeahhhh... see, it's just that we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before now before they go out now. So I'd really appreciate it if you could just remember to do that. from now on. That'd be great.

    Yeah. I'll send you that memo.
    • ...can you taste something sort of sour in the back of your mouth? It probably sort of feels like it's clinging to the base of your tongue?
      That's ME.
      HATING YOU.
  • i am going to have to stick my neck waaaay out here, just for a sec. my supervisor runs the two-person hr department here at heck. she used to work for a bigger and far more strait-laced and hierarchical organization than the one currently employing you. it was scary and bad, and her career in hr was driving her insane. she took a hiatus from work to do mommy stuff, then came to work here, less than a year before i started. and lo and behold, she hates legalistic ass-covering gobbledegook, and puts a lot of effort into simplifying procedures whenever possible.

    so.

    it ain't always that way, brother. i am terribly sorry it's that way in most companies, as far as i can tell, but over here, it's this way, and i thank you heartily for reminding me how much i have to be grateful for.
    • I have to second this. My Mom used to do a lot of hiring. She was nice to people and actually helped them identify skills they didn't give themselves credit for. She also hired more people of color than the whole rest of Mongomery County put together. She never used buzz words to confuse people, since the point was getting people who'd be good at the job, not people who could speak the latest jargon.

      That said, you want to watch bullshit pile up? Interview for a job in education. It's all buzz words.
  • It's a sad fact that many people make themselves and their job sound more complicated by using unnecessarily complicated, and even completely made up, language. Exhibit A: Lawyers. This inflates their ego and impresses people who are easily impressed. It goes hand in hand with giving ridiculous titles to simple jobs (such as 'Refuse Technician' for a bin man.) These usually get changed to acronyms so that a simple action to requisition a pencil generally goes on paper work sounding like an illicit MI5 operation.
  • Saw this on Fark

  • You know, if you don't adopt an interdisciplinary approach, and evidence the spirit of our new mission statement in your workplace attitudes, your functionality could be subsumed by the time of your next performance self-review. You feelin' on that booty, ho?
    • ...can you taste something sort of sour in the back of your mouth? It probably sort of feels like it's clinging to the base of your tongue?
      That's ME.
      HATING YOU.
      • Funny, I just swallowed a prilosec not 15 seconds ago. It's been that kind of day.
  • hi

    you commented on my post about the pride parade, so i thought i'd return the favour...
    this post sooo rocks!!!! especially the samuel l. jackson quote...amen to that!!! i work for the county of alameda and you said it all..
    btw - your eddie izzard icons are, quite simply, the best...i bow down to your greatness...
    • Re: hi

      Ooooh, Charles Nelson Reilly. :)

      I was JUST TALKING ABOUT HIM TODAY, in fact- explaining why one of my coworkers is a bit offputting to me.

      Feel free to watch- and feel free to snake the icons. I snaked the animated one anyways. ;)
      • Re: hi

        excellent...yeah, cnr is awesome. my kids love him. they love "matchgame pm" - oh, man - they cannot believe the stuff they get away with at that time on that show!
  • See, this is why I've chosen... to pursue a course of study... in the breaking legs and kicking in heads field of human endeavor.
  • I'd really like to print this and give my company's HR Manager paper cuts in suitably uncomfortable places with it.

    Can I? Huh, can I? Puh-leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?
    • I can claim no responsibility for what you do with paper on your own time, though I would certainly in no means advise utilizing it to inflict harm or anguish on coworkers. And yes, that includes folding origami porcupines and rectally inserting them.
  • words to live by, from Unca George Carlin:

    You will not hear me say "bottom line", "game plan", "role model", "scenario" or "hopefully".

    [...]

    I will not say "concept" when I mean "idea".
    I will not say "impacted" when I mean "affected".
    There will be no "hands-on state of the art networking".
    We will not "maximize", "prioritize" or "finalize", and we definitely will not ... "interface".

    -from Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics
  • Sad to say, it has ever been thus.

    I once decided to quit a job purely because I heard the CEO use the sentence "We must leverage our paradigm."
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