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in a web of glass, pinned to the edges of vision

Stupid Miles Standish.

I'd forgotten how often we saw Magritte

mucha mosaic

Stupid Miles Standish.

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mucha mosaic
I'm in a shitty mood, so let's see. What am I thankful for.
I'm thankful that I'm around to be capable of being thankful (or not). That seems to really be about it:

-I have a job that I am growing more and more to loathe with each passing day. Basically, I've got the task, first and foremost, of telling other people no, all day. About all the creativity that this job allows me is the occasional moment of glib snarkiness.
-I am an introvert who never has time to himself. I last had a 10 hour period pass where I didn't have to deal with anyone else in, oh, September. This has at this point gotten to where I cannot even keep my brain focused on one task- or examine one thought closely.
-I am in bad health. My teeth are all fucked up, my left knee is all fucked up. Last year, I dropped dead from a congenital heart defect. That's apparently repaired- and as a result, I've gained almost 70 pounds in a year's span. Now granted, I DESPERATELY NEEDED at least 40 of that, what the complaint is is that the additional weight has shifted my center of balance hugely, done away with me having a wardrobe that fits -- and while I know I'm not actually overweight, I look at my body now and I FEEL like I must be huge, since I'm used to being built like a skeleton.
-I seldom get a good night's sleep. I am told to take one of my medicines at night, and when I do so, it wakes me up at 3-4 AM, for a good hour at minimum. I haven't gotten more than 7 hours of sleep in 3 months, and I haven't gotten it more than 5 times since last December. I have discussed this with my doctor. My doctor advises taking more aspirin with it. Thanks, asshole.
-I never remember my dreams anymore. I used to- but since The Incident, I simply don't, anymore. I have little flashes of recollection.
-On a related note, my memory has gone straight to hell in a handbasket. I try to pretend that it's almost as good as it used to be but it just plain isn't. About the only thing I've ever felt solid about having going for me was a near-eidetic memory. Now, I just don't have the ability to remember things I've read verbatim, months later: chripes, I'm lucky if I remember them /hours/ later. This is, point blank, terrifying to me.
-I am not happy. I cannot seem to get back into the stride of 'real life' again after last year's little mess. I just feel removed. I feel lonely. I feel isolated. I am scared to death that I'll pick my nose and that'll make me keel over on the spot. I just look at all this and part of me wants to just throw in the towel and go to the locker room.

NO, this is NOT a suicide note. I have UTTERLY no intention of shuffling off this mortal coil. Stop worrying, I'm not going to be that stupid. I can understand that at present I am depressed, depression passes, and it'd be stupid to take a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Suicide isn't an option here, in my mind. I'm saying 'I'm not sure how the hell I should cope here', rather than 'I cannot and will not try'.

At any rate. While I'm unhappy, I am honestly thankful that I am able to be unhappy as opposed to being, well, decaying mulch.

That's something, right?

  • When do you return from the feast?
    Large quantities of martinis.

    I am booked Saturday, but my Friday night is free. Or Sunday.

    Alternately, something healthier, like the park.

    Yeah, right. :>
  • (t.rev)

    Well, I'm glad you're still around too! And I HATE people!
  • I am also thankful that you're not decaying mulch.

    While I haven't exactly been where you are, I do understand having life-changing events take places and winding up on the other side of them with everything different and uncertain and scary.

    I've coped by putting one foot in front of the other, focusing very tightly on what I'm going to do next, today, right now. I am still somewhat in that mode, though things have been looking up for me. And they will for you too. But you knew that already.

    In the mean time, treat yourself well whenever and however you can. And get people around you who will do the same. And hang in there.
  • aaah, the joys of my emotional life. Most of this depression is behind me, at this point.

    Thanks should be given for having people who are willing to sit still and listen to that- and say 'well, there are reasonable and rational responses to this sort of feeling- and you're not the only one'.
    Thank you, folks. And happy thanksgivings to you.
  • Have to throw one more in there...

    It really would have sucked if I had finally found the RIGHT one and my promised best man wasn't around any more.

    I am thankful to still have you with us.
    Think about you often, and fondly.

    And you ever need me, you know where to find me.
  • maintain that kung-fu grip on life

    i'm willing to bet that wildpaletz has the right idea re: memory. i would guess that if have an opportunity to get a better sleep pattern going, the memory stuff would change somewhat, at least. that doens't help you right now.

    it also doesn't do anything toward solving the difficulties you've got to say, this, but it makes me feel better to say it:

    you are my beloved friend and i am very, very glad that you are alive. i am glad that you're determined to stay that way. i love the fact that you are a glib, cranky bastard.
  • Happy Thanksgiving.

    Love you, you contrary fucker.

    Jesus fucking christ, man, take a vacation. No, a required leave of absence while you try and make sure your body does not give out does not count. Take a fucking vacation. A real one. One that involves sleeping.

    Today at the dinner table, when we were talking about things we were thankful for, I talked about you.

    Yeeeeuch, I'm all sappy.

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