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Turkey of deeeeaaaaaaath...

I'd forgotten how often we saw Magritte

mucha mosaic

Turkey of deeeeaaaaaaath...

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mucha mosaic
So I stumbled across the Ultimate Turkey Recipe again today. This is a recipe that cr0wgrrl did (or does?) make every thanksgiving.

I share it with you because it is a wonderful and sacred and holy thing, that is the best goddamned turkey you will ever eat in your life. It's a nightmare to make, but it's delicious. Trust me on this.
I love this recipe. I despise turkey, and I automatically go for seconds of this stuff.
HOWEVER! You must. AND I MEAN MUST. You must follow the recipe precisely. Exactingly. Completely and utterly to the letter.
This includes making the drinks (and drinking a Ramos Fizz may be the greatest culinary sacrifice you make in your life).




1 turkey
salt
garlic
4 eggs
1 apple
1 orange
1 large can crushed pineapple
1 lemon
4 large onions
6 celery stalks
buncha preserved ginger
2 cans water chestnuts
3 packages unseasoned bread crumbs
3/4 pounds ground veal
1/2 pounds ground pork
1/4 pounds
butter
onion juice
1 quart apple cider
Spice List:
basil
bay leaf
caraway seed
celery seed
chili powder
cloves
ground coriander
mace
marjoram
dry mustard
oregano
parsley
pepper, black
poultry seasoning
poppy seed
sage
savory
Tabasco
thyme
turmeric

This recipe was first contained in the manuscript of a book called "The Naked Countess" which was given to the late Robert Benchley, who had eaten the turkey and was so moved as to write an introduction to the book. Benchley then lost the manuscript. He kept hoping it would turn up-- although not as much, perhaps, as Thompson did, but somehow it vanished, irretrievably. Thompson did not have the heart to write it over. He did, however, later put his turkey rule in another book. Not a cookbook, but a collection of very funny pieces called "Joe, the Wounded Tennis Player".

THE ONLY WAY TO COOK A TURKEY!!!!!!!

This turkey is work... it requires more attention than an average six-month-old baby. There are no shortcuts, as you will see.

Get a HUGE turkey-- I don't mean just a big, big bird, but one that looks as though it gave the farmer a hard time when he did it in. It ought to weigh between 16 and 30 pounds. Have the poultryman, or butcher, cut its head off at the end of the neck, peel back the skin, and remove the neck close to the body, leaving the tube. You will want this for stuffing. Also, he should leave all the fat on the bird.

When you are ready to cook your bird, rub it inside and out with salt and pepper. Give it a friendly pat and set it aside. Chop the heart, gizzard, and liver and put them, with the neck, into a stewpan with a clove of garlic, a large bay leaf, 1/2 tsp coriander, and some salt. I don't know how much salt-- whatever you think. Cover this with about 5 cups of water and put on the stove to simmer. This will be the basting fluid a little later.

About this time I generally have my first drink of the day, usually a RAMOS FIZZ. I concoct it by taking the whites of four eggs, an equal amount of whipping cream, juice of half a lemon (less 1 tsp.), 1/2 tsp. confectioner's sugar, an appropriate amount of gin, and blending with a few ice cubes. Pour about two tablespoons of club soda in a chimney glass, add the mix, with ice cubes if you prefer. Save your egg yolks, plus 1 tsp. of lemon -- you'll need them later. Have a good sip! (Add 1 dash of Orange Flower Water to the drink, not the egg yolks)

Get a huge bowl. Throw into it one diced apple, one diced orange, a large can of crushed pineapple, the grated rind of a lemon, and three tablespoons of chopped preserved ginger (If you like ginger, double this -REB). Add 2 cans of drained Chinese water chestnuts.

Mix this altogether, and have another sip of your drink. Get a second, somewhat smaller, bowl. Into this, measuring by teaspoons, put:

2 hot dry mustard 2 caraway seed 2 celery seed
2 poppy seed 1 black pepper 2 1/2 oregano
1/2 mace 1/2 turmeric 1/2 marjoram
1/2 savory 3/4 sage 3/4 thyme 1/4 basil
1/2 chili powder

In the same bowl, add:

1 Tbl. poultry seasoning 4 Tbl parsley 1Tbl salt
4 headless crushed cloves 1 well crushed bay leaf 4 large chopped onions
6 good dashes Tabasco 5 crushed garlic cloves
6 large chopped celery

Wipe your brow, refocus your eyes, get yet another drink--and a third bowl. Put in three packages of unseasoned bread crumbs (or two loaves of toast or bread crumbs), 3/4 lb. ground veal, 1/2 lb. ground fresh pork, 1/4 lb. butter, and all the fat you have been able to pull out of the bird.

About now it seems advisable to switch drinks. Martinis or stingers are recommended (Do this at your own risk - we always did! -REB). Get a fourth bowl, an enormous one. Take a sip for a few minutes, wash your hands, and mix the contents of all the other bowls. Mix it well. Stuff the bird and skewer it. Put the leftover stuffing into the neck tube.

Turn your oven to 500 degrees F and get out a fifth small bowl. Make a paste consisting of those four egg yolks and lemon juice left from the Ramos Fizz. Add 1 tsp hot dry mustard, a crushed clove of garlic, 1 Tbl onion juice, and enough flour to make a stiff paste. (This is a procedure that seems to need clarification. Make the paste about the consistency of pancake batter for the first coat. After a couple of coats, I thin the paste a little, with water or any other fluid taht falls to hand. After a couple more coats, I thin a bit more, so that the final coats have about the consistency of whipping cream -REB) When the oven is red hot, put the bird in, breast down on the rack. Sip on your drink until the bird has begin to brown all over, then take it out and paint the bird all over with paste. Put it back in and turn the oven down to 350 degrees F. Let the paste set, then pull the bird out and paint again. Keep doing this until the paste is used up.

Add a quart of cider or white wine to the stuff that's been simmering on the stove, This is your basting fluid. The turkey must be basted every 15 minutes. Don't argue. Set your timer and keep it up. (When confronted with the choice "do I baste from the juice under the bird or do I baste with the juice from the pot on the stove?" make certain that the juice under the bird neither dries out and burns, nor becomes so thin that gravy is weak. When you run out of bast, use cheap red wine. This critter makes incredible gravy! -REB) The bird should cook about 12 minutes per pound, basting every 15 minutes. Enlist the aid of your friends and family.

As the bird cooks, it will first get a light brown, then a dark brown, then darker and darker. After about 2 hours you will think I'm crazy. The bird will be turning black. (Newcomers to black turkey will think you are demented and drunk off your ass, which, if you've followed instructions, you are -REB) In fact, by the time it is finished, it will look as though we have ruined it. Take a fork and poke at the black cindery crust. Beneath, the bird will be a gorgeous mahogany, reminding one of those golden-browns found in precious Rembrandts. Stick the fork too deep, and the juice will gush to the ceiling. When you take it out, ready to carve it, you will find that you do not need a knife. A loud sound will cause the bird to fall apart like the walls of that famed biblical city. The moist flesh will drive you crazy, and the stuffing--well, there is nothing like it on this earth. You will make the gravy just like it as always done, adding the giblets and what is left of the basting fluid.

Sometime during the meal, use a moment to give thanks to Morton Thompson.

There is seldom, if ever, leftover turkey when this recipe is used. If there is, you'll find that the fowl retains its moisture for a few days. That's all there is to it. It's work, hard work--- but it's worth it.
  • Ye gods.

    That is one daunting recipe, though considering the rather eccentric people I will be observing Thanksgiving with, it will probably be attempted. Don't be surprised if, come Turkey Day, you hear about an explosion of assorted meats and spices taking out half of Sunnyvale CA, and feel free to feel guilty or vindicated as much as you please.
    • Re: Ye gods.

      Yes, very daunting, and really does make the best turkey.

      It's scary, it takes all day, but it's so definitely worth it.
      • Re: Ye gods.

        Oh, I know it is---that comment is a year old. ;)

        My boyfriend's sister-in-law substituted this yummy fruit stuffing for the meaty one recommended above. I'll have to steal the recipe when she makes it again this year.
  • Everything but the stuffing

    This is indeed the recipe that feyandstrange and I use every Thanksgiving, although we have strayed away from the stuffing aspect of it in recent years... the one he uses is awfully heavy and meaty, as was the style of the day.

    Everything else is accurate, and makes for a wonderful dinner. Advice from last year's overwhelming success is to use an actual meat thermometer to calculate doneness, rather than just multiplying weight x minutes. We didn't need to carve the bird at all -- we just lifted it up to place it onto the carving tray, and the meat fell off the ribcage. Literally. It was a thing of beauty. Two turkies, 30-odd guests, no leftovers whatsoever.

    As tradition dictates, we will be making this again this year
  • ah, the turkey!

    That looks like HRA's slightly modified version, at a guess; in fact, I believe you have the lost stuffing recipe there. Wherever did you find it? The original stuffing recipe was not particularly lovely and required a ton of chopping for not very tasty stuffing; I suggest using your own favorite (but hearty) stuffing recipe.

    I believe this particular recipe has, in fact, been modified to accomodate two medium-sized turkeys (we could never get a really big one in our oven, so two birds made more sense, but two birds needed more paste to cover the turkeys.)

    Yes, you must get sloshed. Even if you declare a designated drinker for the Ramos Fizz (as we often did), the cooks shall still swill a great deal of the cooking wine. Set a loud, obnoxious timer for the basting, and baste, baste, baste.

    The turkey will look horrible and taste wonderful. It is so tender that we have often ripped off a wing accdientally while trying to get the turkey out of the pan (we always forgot to get those roast-lifter things). I consider myself a pretty darn good gravy-maker, and this turkey makes me ashamed, because it hardly needs work at all - a novice cook couldn't make bad gravy out of this without a lot of work, and you could probably eat it straight out of the pan.

    We have used rose or white to base with also, but it doesn't come out as hearty. A mix of red and rose worked decently.

    Mmm, Thanksgiving coming up... time for the Turkey of Doom again! Yay!
    • Re: ah, the turkey!

      Oops - on second glance, that is the original stuffing - meaty, heavy, and not terribly beloved. Make your own favorite.
    • Re: ah, the turkey!

      I found it on the web; googled around a little bit off a few words I remembered were in there ("ramos fizz" benchley blackened) and voila.
  • As the person who's been the designated Ramos Fizz-drinker, I'll say this about them:

    They're not really the style of drinks people are used to these days. They've got a sort of '30s-or'40s, upper-class feel to them, like the sort of thing you might have found Nick and Nora Charles drinking (if they weren't such heavyweights that they went straight for rye, gin, and whatnot, with no mixers).

    It's very creamy, somewhat fizzy -- if you like old-style drinks like scotch and sodas or Gibsons, and if you also like dairy-oriented drinks (like stuff with Bailey's in it), then you might dig the Ramos Fizz. If you loathe either milk, gin, or egg whites, I'd recommend you avoid the sucker. And if (like most people) you fit in neither of those categories, then have a couple of sips for the experience, but you'll probably find that it just doesn't appeal.

    It's not a horrible thing to drink, it's just... not the way we make drinks these days. "Martini", as often as not, means "thing with vodka in it" these days; there's been a powerful shift away from gin and towards vodka. (Not that I think this is a bad thing, mind you; I don't much like gin either.) So the Ramos Fizz feels like a relic of an older day.

    But it does work as something to do with the egg whites. Feel free to tweak the Ramos Fizz recipe if you think you can make it more to your liking; while screwing with the bird itself is Blasphemy(tm), the stuffing and the drink can both be played with. (The stuffing, as others have mentioned, should be replaced with a better version.)

    Or just use the egg whites to make a meringue dish.
  • Found this via a link at [Unknown LJ tag]. It looks amazing. I'll be trying it somewhen in February.
    • Don't know where you found it (the lj tag was misrendered)-- but do try it!
      I wish I could get cr0wgrrl or feyandstrange to supply the stuffing recipe they came up with- this thing's filling is heavy as hell. they've been doing a bread-and-cranberries-and-this-and-that stuffing which, from all reports, is very good.
      I don't eat stuffing, so.
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