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How Nucking Futs Am I?

I'd forgotten how often we saw Magritte

mucha mosaic

How Nucking Futs Am I?

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Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.
You are Gaius Caesar Germanicus - better known as Caligula!

Third Emperor of Rome and ruler of one of the most powerful empires of all time, your common name means "little boots". Although you only reigned for four years, brief even by Roman standards, you still managed to garner a reputation as a cruel, extravagant and downright insane despot. Your father died in suspicious circumstances, you were not the intended heir, and one of your first acts as Emperor was to force the suicide of your father-in-law. Your sister Drusilla died that same year; faced with allegations that your relationship with her had been incestuous, you responded, bafflingly, by declaring her a god.

You revived a number of unpopular traditions, including auctions of properties left over from public shows. When a senator fell asleep at one such auction, you took each of his nods as bids, selling him 13 gladiators for a vast sum. You attempted to have your horse, Incitatus, made into a consul and hence one of the most powerful figures in Rome. It was granted a marble stable with jewels and a staff of servants. At one point you forced your comrade Macro to kill himself - in much the same vein as your father-in-law - accusing him of being his wife's pimp. You, of course, were having an affair with said wife at the time.

Things went from bad to worse. When supplies of condemned men ran short in the circus, you had innocent spectators dragged into the arena with the lions to fill their place. You claimed mastery of the sea by walking across a three-mile bridge of boats in the Bay of Naples; kissed the necks of your lovers, whispering sweet nothings like "This lovely neck will be chopped as soon as I say so,"; dallied with your sister's lover and made her pull her unborn child out of her womb prematurely. Towards the end of your reign, you had a golden statue of yourself made and dressed each day in the same clothes you yourself wore. When you eventually died, the terrified people of Rome refused to believe that such a cruel reign could ever end, and believed you to be alive for years afterwards.


I can cope with this. Though I don't wish to be portrayed by John Hurt.
  • Further proof of my Godhood, the ability to be on two different coasts at the VERY SAME TIME.

    I think I shall have to celebrate. Give me a supple young man. No, wait, a supple young woman. Gods! I cannot decide!

    Hmm. I think I'm bored of them. Have them both killed and round me up a Visigoth. Preferrably dirty and in need of a good beating.
  • You are Ludwig II, the Swan King of Bavaria!

    Born with the name of Otto, you became Ludwig at the request of your grandfather, King Ludwig I, because you were born on his birthday. You became Crown Prince at the tender age of 3, and soon after stole a purse from a shop on the basis that everything in Bavaria belonged to you. Tragedy struck when your pet tortoise was taken away; relatives thought the six-year-old prince was too attached to it. Your childhood was lonely and formal. Once, you were prevented from beheading your younger brother by the timeous arrival of a court official. From the age of 14 you suffered from hallucinations.

    Despite striking an imposing figure with your great height and good looks, your speeches were pompous to the point of incomprehensibility. You became even more of a recluse, often spending hours reading poetry in a seashell-shaped boat in your electrically-illuminated underground grotto.

    You are most famous for building three fairytale castles - Linderhof, Neuschwanstein and Herrenchiemsee - at tremendous public expense. Declared insane and confined to your bedroom by concerned (and embarrassed) subjects, you escaped on 13 June 1886, but were later found drowned with your physician in Lake Stamberg in mysterious circumstances.
  • I am apparently Emperor Norton..

    Huh.
  • Why not John Hurt? His interpretive dance recital (dressed as Aphrodite) was truly glorious in its unhingedness.

    I got King Charles VI of France. I wasn't familiar with him but he sounds truly nutso. I was hoping for Nikola Tesla.

    • Mr. Hurt is just not a handsome guy. A talented actor. A charmer, in every interview I've read with him. Not a looker.
      and wasn't he Aurora, the Goddess of the Dawn?
    • Yeah, I got that one, too.

      I'm okay with oranges, I guess, so that's all right.

      Just, you know. Don't strangle me.
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